borderline · journal · mental illness · relationships · therapy

journal : therapists

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Journal: about therapists

Since this is my first journal, let me explain something to you. I have moodswings. No, this aren’t the moodswings every average woman has during het period. This are serious moodswings. A small event during my day can mix up my feelings for days.

So what does this mean? During the good days I can do everything: shopping, going out with friends, making a trip do a different city, … . I’ll be outgoing, relaxed and fun. I also have something called ‘normal’ days, not feeling bad and not feeling good. Just neutral. To conclude I also have the bad days. During these days I’m not available to do anything. I won’t comb my hair, take a shower and I exclude myself from the outside world. Most of the time I’ll just be laying in bed, feeling bad and empty. It’s a very strange feeling to describe. To be honest, feeling bad is an understatement. I feel sad, in a way that someone (dear to my heart)  died or  broke my heart. I feel empty, like a huge chunk from my heart is missing. And last but not least: I feel like crying all the time.

The past couple of days have been bad days. I got a high fever last week, so I didn’t do anything but going to therapy, lying in bed and being sick. Oh, and I ate a lot. A LOT.
Anyway. Besides being ill, I felt really bad. I’ve had some bad thoughts about therapy today. First of all, my therapist only works one day in a week. If she falls ill or goes on a holiday, I won’t be able to go for about two or three weeks. This is hard, you guys. I’m someone who needs therapy at least once a week (I’m not able to afford more sessions) and it’s very hard to wait for three weeks. This is something I worry about a lot. Not during my therapy sessions, just – I dunno – all the time. Last year she happily announced that she was pregnant. I wasn’t happy at all. It was devastated because I was going trough a period of depression and she would take pregnancy leave, which is about 5 to 6 months. Now, every therapy session I’m scared she’s going to announce that she’s pregnant again (She gained some weight, but I’m scared to say something about it in case she isn’t pregnant. It would be rude).
Unfortunately, this is something out of my control. That’s why it scares me. If she was just a hairdresser, I would change hairdresser’s. I went to different therapists before her, but none of them worked out for me. During her pregnancy leave I went to someone else, but that didn’t work out either. That’s why it’s so hard for me. For people who aren’t in therapy, it’s hard to understand. Why not go to another therapist? As I said before, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It’s like a relationship. You like someone or you don’t. Since it has been very hard on me, I already talked about it a few times with her but there hasn’t been found a solution yet. It’ll probably take up my whole therapy session next week. Right now: not in the mood. I’m quite angry about the whole situation and I dunno what to do about it. Feeling powerless is one of the worst feelings ever.

Right now I’m going to eat chips, cry a lot in bed and watching SATC Season One.  mean, what else am I going to do with my worthless life? Ugh.
(Feeling bad all over the place).

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