borderline · journal · mental health

journal: feeling bad

I feel like I’m drowning in the darkness again. I’m feeling really bad. A few moments ago I was lying in bed, crying (Right now I’m still in bed, but I’m watching a tv-serie).

Earlier today I drove someone to the hospital. I didn’t know the person very well but it felt like the right thing to do. Someone in her family was dying from cancer and otherwise she would have waited an hour to catch her next train.
It was a one-hour drive but I really wanted to help her out. She was very thankful. I felt inspired by myself. On the way back I was alone in the car. My radio broke down a few months ago so I didn’t have any music to listen to either. I started to wonder: Would someone actually do the same thing for me? To be honest, it was really hard to image that. I felt really bad when I got home. This is very hard to explain. I know everyone wonders about such things sometimes. It’s different with me. It feels like something is cutting into my soul. Like a punch into my chest.

Then later I felt “rejected” by one of my dorm mates. She has been traveling for the past couple of days and I wanted to catch up. Besides that, I was feeling really bad (thinking about hurting myself), so I felt like I could use company.  When I came over, it took her a while to open the door. When she noticed it was me, she said she wanted to shower and asked me to come back.  I felt terrible.
You probably think “So what? No big deal.” – but I felt like crying at the spot. She asked if something was wrong, but I said “no” and went back to my own room. I crawled into my bed, feeling bad. There was only one thing I could think about: “See? Nobody cares about you.”
My friend texted me afterwards but I felt so bad I told her I would meet up with her tomorrow. I feel sick. I really feel like I want to quit life. “Sad” doesn’t even describe what I’m feeling, it feels like heartbreak.

I feel terrible and I have a paper deadline and a class tomorrow, but I don’t feel like doing this at all. I feel like cancelling everything: my master’s degree, my classes, and so on. I don’t even feel like going to therapy. What if she’s pregnant again? What if she’s sick or is going on a holiday again? I feel like I’m crying for help but she doesn’t want to help me. I’m scared she’s gonna leave again. And then what will I do? If she’s going on a leave again, I feel like I just want to quit this BS. Everyone leaves and nobody wants to help.

I only want to lay in bed and feel bad about myself. The only reason why I’m typing this right now, is because I feel the need to share my story. Talk to you soon.



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