When I’m feeling bad, I love to eat (which is bad, I know). I feel empty inside and I feel like I can fill this hole through eating. I try to compensate with food and I’m not even trying to eat healthy during this moments. Running to the supermarket – 10 minutes before closing time- to buy chocolate or chips, isn’t an exception. Food doesn’t make me happier but the feeling of closing the emptiness does.
Most of the time I try to eat healthy: fruits, green tea, stuff like that. But when I’m feeling bad or when I having my period, it really doesn’t matter anymore. This doesn’t help with my body image either.
Normally I’m a person who has a lot of self-discipline but this has changed over the years. During my college years I’ve been through a lot, especially a lot of heartbreak which can be killing for someone who had BPD. I’ve been through serious periods of depression and have had a lot of thoughts about killing myself. When I was feeling bad, I used to skip classes. A lot. I know college is expensive, but I just cannot get out of bed when I have a hole inside of my chest. When I felt a little bit better, I went to class. Sometimes this turned out well: being interested en happy that I did the effort. Sometimes it didn’t, I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown during the middle of class and left.
When I started college it wasn’t like this. I was excited and happy, I went to class happily every single day. But then stuff happened, as I said before. Last year I finally got my BA degree, now I’m trying to get my masters’. I’m not going to lie: it is hard. It’s a lot of work and I need a lot of self-discipline to do it. Last week I was feeling extremely bad, which is a national disaster when you have a paper deadline. Luckily I went to therapy and I was able to finish the assignment in time. But it hasn’t always been like this. During my undergraduate times, I used to skip exams because I was feeling heartbroken or sad. I wasn’t able to study at all. I would just cry all the time. I really hope I can cope with my emotions for the last year of college. The academic year just started so it’s going to be very hard.
The last couple of days have been hard. I’ve been having a lot of stress about my therapy. When my therapist considered more therapy, I freaked out. It is true, I need this. But there’s no way I can pay for it. It would be about $100 a week and since I don’t get any money back from my insurance, it’s a lot of money (which I don’t have, because I had to pay for my tuition and electricity and stuff).
I’ve also been considering light therapy. During the winter I feel worse than in summer and I’ve heard it really helps. It’s expensive but since I’ll be having the lamp for a lifetime, I’m considering it.
Tonight I’m going out with friends. I have to take the train so I’m a little bit anxious, but hopefully I’ll be ok.