journal · mental health · therapy

random journal post

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I feel like my mood is improving. I feel better: I’ve been reading an inspiring book (or two), passed my paper assignments and got a job interview in a few days. Besides that, I have a holiday coming up in a few months and I’m already looking forward to that.
Because of the job interview and the books (Do you know the book #Girlboss? It’s something like that), I feel stronger and I’m in the mood to do something with my life. Work hard, make a name for myself and so on. I’m already looking for jobs or internships abroad. I’m dreaming of making a trip to South-Africa again.
I feel like my food supplements are working, so thumbs up for that.

Now, the bad part.

During my last session in therapy I said some things which hurt my therapist (I think). Here’s the situation: I’ve been struggling a lot over the fact that she only wants to work at the practice once a week since she’s been having her baby. Her being pregnant always scared me, I felt like she was going to change because of it. She didn’t really change as a person (at least, not it therapy), but she only works once a week because she wants to spend more time with her child. I understand this, though it’s very difficult. I need two therapy sessions a week and she can’t give me those. Before she had a baby, she could. But now everything changed.
That’s why I’m looking for another solutions: maybe another therapist? I don’t want to replace her, but I feel like going to another therapist can help me. When my therapist is sick, I have to wait two or three weeks (because she only works once a week). That’s why I feel like I need an extra therapist.

I told her this and she was hurt. I told her I wasn’t happy at all about this situation.
But… I mean… What should I do? I can’t move forward because I need more therapy. She isn’t available for more therapy. I’m only trying to find a solution here.
I feel very guilty because I hurt her. When I have a good day and I think back to our last session, I feel terrible. I’m thinking about sending her an e-mail, apologizing for my behavior and telling her I feel bad about it.
On the other hand … Should I feel bad about this? I was just being honest and we have to look for a solution. We have to find one. In a few weeks she won’t be working for a week, so I have to wait another two of three weeks.
Because I’m feeling so bad about the situation, I can’t enjoy anything. I also feel very anxious. I have to wait until the end of the week for our next session and I feel like I can’t wait that long. I’m so confused. When I’m feeling good and I think back about the conversation, I feel very bad. I almost feel like crying.
I also have no idea if I should take with her about this. What if I hurt her again? And should I send her an e-mail? I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking this. I dunno.

In my head the solution is so clear. Just find another extra therapist to work with. I can go to my regular therapist every week and go to another one two times a month. But I feel like my therapist doesn’t agree, if she feels bad about this I don’t know if this is a good idea.

I feel really really bad about the situation and everything. It’s so complicated and I don’t want to hurt or lose anyone.

At the moment my back really hurts. I have to rest and sleep, prepare for my job interview,… and so on. I’m trying to keep busy so I won’t think about this. It’s hard. And it’s hard not being able to talk anyone who has been through the same…

ugh

 

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