health · journal · relationships

journal: in a lot of pain


Here’s me again. It has been a though couple of weeks. First of all I had a lot of doctor’s appointments, I’ve been very sick and then there were the presidential elections (which probably made me sick, lol). And Leonard Cohen’s death, of course.

At the moment I feel very tired. I haven’t been able to do much since I was sick. I slept, threw up (a lot) and felt miserable the entire time. I had a few serious infections and now I’m taking antibiotics.

Mentally I’ve been feeling very sad as well. A few days ago I saw one of my ex-boyfriends posting something on Facebook. It wasn’t a big deal, it wasn’t about me or a new relationship or whatsoever. Something you need to know: a half year after the break-up I deleted him. I constantly went to his profile to see if he had a new girlfriend already, if there were signs of someone new,… . I felt bad. I finally deleted him when I felt the time was right. Anyhow: we are still in some facebookgroups together and that’s where it happened. I read the messages a few times and went back to the page to read it again. It was about a music band, nothing life-important. But I felt/feel really bad about it. It’s about two years ago that we started dating but I still miss him. My heartache is over, but I still think about him. I feel sick about feeling so bad about a relationship that ended 1,5 year ago. I’m over the relationship and the heartbreak, but seeing him posting a message after not seeing/hearing anything for +6 months, is weird and confusing. He must have another life by now, probably a better life because his happiness didn’t involve me anymore (obviously).
I have no idea how he is doing right now. It makes me sad. But I also realize I can’t have him in my life anymore. He hurt me so so much, I won’t be able to look him into the eye and act like it didn’t happen or it didn’t hurt me.
By the way, social media is like poison. If I didn’t see it, I wouldn’t have know and I wouldn’t feel this bad.

Relationships are so difficult for me. I’ve been on other dates after the break-up, but I’m so scared to get my heart broken again that I’ve become very picky. The next one has to be “the one” (I mean, at least a decent person who genuinely cares about me). I don’t want to be left alone again. Just the idea of being left behind (alone) makes me sad again. I can’t handle it. At all. I’m so scared. I know a lot of you will recognize this feeling, but I just want to say this: imagine it begin 10k worse. That’s what borderline is. Crying all the time. Feeling heartbreak over and over again.

I feel like crying. Think I’m crawling into my bed again, being sick. I’m tired too.

See y’all soon. XOXO

PS. If you are planning to protest or participate in a march, please be careful. I saw some footage on the news and it scared the hell out of me.

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